Those are three of the hardest words to hear in a relationship, and also three of the hardest to say. There have been times in each of my major relationships where I felt that way, but there has never been a time when I actually had the courage to say it. In the past, I have always been terrified that just being honest about my feelings would start some terrible fight and inevitably lead to a break-up... and that somehow seemed worse to me than allowing the status quo to continue and keeping my unhappiness to myself.

Saturday I finally got up the nerve to say those three words to JJ. I said it through tears, but I said it. I told him that I loved him but that the situation made me extremely unhappy. I explained to him that having to support him is unfair and that it makes me feel used and taken advantage of. I understand that he makes much much less money than I do, but if he can afford to pay for weed and not the small fraction of rent I have asked him to pay, that is ridiculous. I told him that from now on, I need him to pay the full amount that I have asked by the first of each month, just as I am expected to do. I told him that I hate coming home to a trashed house and having to clean up his mess. I even told him that sometimes I feel more like a parent than a boyfriend. I never thought I would have the courage to say that to him, even if it was honest.

He tried at first to listen and process what I was saying, but it was definitely too much for him. After a couple of minutes he got very defensive and combative. I tried very hard to avoid blame and separate my unhappiness with the situation from my love of him. The fact that I have never stood up for myself has allowed him to think that everything is fine, while building resentment up inside me. I take full responsibility for allowing this dynamic that we have now to develop as it has, but nevertheless, I simply cannot sustain it any longer-- It's killing me. He cut the conversation short, saying he needed a break from the talk. We went back to life and left the conversation with no definitive resolution. There was still much that I needed to tell him... how we don't communicate at all anymore and how lonely I sometimes feel when we are together... but that will be a talk for another day.

Only time will tell if our talk made any difference at all. The past week, he has really made efforts to move in the right direction. He paid me what I asked him to pay for rent, he made an appointment with his doctor, he cleaned the apartment, and he even got up and went to the gym with me. If the relationship is going to work, the changes will need to be the new pattern, not temporary moves that last only long enough to shut me up.